Expert Survival Tip: To Bring A Date Or Not To Bring A Date That Is The Question That Is Not Up To You Wedding Guest
Think you can RSVP plus one to a wedding or just show up with a date? Pull out that wedding invitation and think again.
Wedding guests, Vicky Choy, the founder and president of Event Accomplished, a Washington, D.C. based special events planning and management company, is here to break down the etiquette of the wedding invitation:
On more than one occasion, my clients have asked me for advice on how to handle uninvited guests. A common guest no-no scenario: a couple’s friend RSVPs with a guest - or their entire family - even though the couple had only invited the friend. A worse wedding guest no that my clients have had to handle: guests who show up with dates without advance notice.
Bringing an uninvited date has unintended and stressful consequences for the bride and groom. For an engaged couple determining the guest list can be both a difficult and thoughtful process. Whether you ask, assume or just show up with a date on your arm - each being a progressively worse scenario - you are adding stress to the couple’s wedding, here’s why:
If the couple can accommodate your plus one they will need to make adjustments in their already-designed dinner seating arrangements and inform the caterer about an additional meal, the facility staff about an additional chair, the rental company about an additional place setting, and the printer about an additional escort card, place card and menu for your uninvited, additional guest.
If you bring a date on the day of the wedding without letting the bride and groom know in advance it certainly can create an awkward situation as dinner tables are already set for a specific number of guests - that responded - and an unexpected guest may not actually fit. Think you will just sit with your date? Think again. The newlyweds might have to place your date at another table.
Single guests may wonder why they can’t bring a date. You may not know anyone at the wedding. You may not want to be the only single guest. You may feel you may be bored attending alone. All-in-all, it’s not up to you. The guest list was decided by the bride and groom who of course want their friends to feel comfortable at their wedding, but may have reasons why they may not be able to accommodate your date.
For example, your friends may be limited by a venue’s capacity or they may have budgetary limitations - especially in our current economic times. A wedding can potentially cost upwards of $200 per person. This said you should be able to understand why a couple would be very careful in choosing who they invite to their big day.
It is also possible that your friends have decided to have a very intimate wedding and they may not know your guest well, if at all, and really only want close friends and family in attendance. Regardless of the reason, this is their party and they can choose who they want to invite and not invite.
So how do you become a wonderful, appreciative and low-maintenance friend that everyone loves to invite?
Look at your invitation! Most invitations will come with inner and outer envelopes. If the bride and groom want to invite a close friend and want her or him to bring a guest, the outer envelope will be addressed to the friend: “Miss Mary Jones” while the inner envelope will say: “Miss Jones and Guest” or “Miss Jones and Mr. Williams.” If the inner envelop says: “Miss Jones,” then only Miss Jones is invited and Miss Jones cannot bring a date.
The same rule applies to whether or not invited guests can bring their children. If there is no inner envelope, then the outer envelope will be addressed as if it were the inner envelope so you will know your status even before you open the invitation. Plus remember, if you are not invited with a guest, chances are you will not be the only single person there, and you never know who you may meet.
Related topics:
- Expert Survival Tip: Stick To Your Gut! Be A Great Bridesmaid! by Ariane Goldman
- Expert Survival Tip: What To Expect At A Rehearsal Dinner by Kathy Goodman
- Expert Survival Tip: Survive A Wedding Hangover by Esther Blum
- Wedding Guest Tip: How To Not Attend A Wedding
Have a great wedding survival tip to share with the Survive Wedding Season community? Email your tips to solutions@surviveweddingseason.com.
Your Attendance Is Appreciated! TM
About the Author
Vicky Choy is the founder and president of Event Accomplished, a special events planning and management company based in Arlington, Virginia. After eight years in the corporate world managing proposals, project schedules and costs, Vicky started Event Accomplished in 2004 when she was looking for a different career where she could work closely with her clients, make an impact in their lives, and feel relatively quickly the sense of accomplishment when all your hard work has come together. Vicky feels weddings and special events are all about creating memories and celebrating life. Through thoughtful planning and exceptional execution, that EA team will help you put together a party with a style distinctively your own. They offer full service planning, vendor recommendations, design development, and event management throughout the Washington, DC metropolitan area. Their goal is to make the planning process easier, less stressful and more fun! They want your event to reflect your desire to celebrate something wonderful. Clients like their dedication, responsiveness to your questions and needs, thorough preparation, balanced planning processes and organization that prevent you from being overwhelmed, and calm, straight-forward, and positive attitude.
Want your guests to say "that was the best party ever?" Event Accomplished can get it done! www.eventaccomplished.com
Tags: Attending A Wedding Single, Bringing A Date, Event Accomplished, Invitation Etiquette, Vicky Choy, Wedding Blog, Wedding Guest Etiquette, Wedding Invitation
May 27th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Bridelines has some advice on the plus one issue…
Check it out.
http://bridelines.blogspot.com/2009/05/wedding-guests-who-gets-plus-1.html
June 11th, 2009 at 2:30 am
[...] Survive Wedding Season » Blog Archive » Expert Survival Tip: To … [...]
June 13th, 2009 at 3:49 am
Thank you for this article! I am having such trouble with my upcoming wedding in July. Today was our deadline for RSVP’s and here I get a RSVP for my fiance’s aunt plus her two kids and their girlfriends. And they are only 18 and 19! I am just wondering where the ettiquette went here. Our venue only holds 225, I invited 240 and out percentage of no’s is less than anticpated so I am in quite the bind. Guess I was the stupid one! It angers me that people don’t understand the intimacy, importance, AND cost of such an event that they just invite whomever they feel necessary. My fiance and fiance’s mom won’t say anything because they are worried that they will hurt feelings yet it just makes me so angry that people do this. Any suggestions for this? I just have no idea what to do at this point and I want to be at my wedding and know every face…not just some random 18 year old relationship for the moment. (My fiance and I have no idea who this girl even is!) Not really that cool….at all! Thanks for any help at all!
June 13th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Hi, gr8 post thanks for posting. Information is useful!
June 22nd, 2009 at 5:13 pm
You have no idea how many people don’t know about the +1 etiquette! Good stuff, Vicky!
July 10th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Kristi J — just saw your dilemma and maybe it’s too late now since I don’t know when in July you are getting married. Unfortunately, the unexpected +1 does happen. There is no way to avoid the situation except to have your fiance or his parents call the aunt and explain the situation. You can say that the venue has a certain capacity and while you would love to accommodate her 2 kids and their girlfriends, there is no room. It’s a difficult situation as you want so many people to celebrate with you and had to draw the line somewhere. You hope she understands and hope to still have her celebrate with you.
That is probably the best you can do. See what she says and if she says she cannot attend if she cannot bring her kids and dates, then say that you are disappointed and sorry that you were not able to accommodate everyone but hope to see her in a near future visit or let’s go to dinner at a specific date. There were many people you could not invite but wanted to also.
Best of Luck, Vicky