Big Girls Don’t Cry
They remember not everyone is on the same timeline and excuse themselves if they feel the tears coming on.
This is Engagement season. It is the time when couples are together with their families celebrating the holidays so it is only natural that while everyone is fah-la-la-la-la-ing under the tree in the living room that diamond rings - big and small - navigate their way out of little boxes and on to the fingers of your friends and family members.
This said, be prepared to say congratulations and best wishes a lot more often now than you might throughout the year. Also, whether you are in a relationship or not, know that you might find yourself a little more emotional than normal. This is what seems to be happening to me.
Of course it did not help that after dinner on Christmas Eve someone came up to me in the kitchen and grabbed my left hand only to discover no rings at all. Not only did I receive a look of disappointment, and maybe pity, but a vocalized expression of how sad this person - who I barely know - was to see nothing there. I excused myself and went back to the Sauvignon Blanc factory and filled my glass.
Funny, because I have not had any expectation of becoming engaged this holiday season, so why would anyone else have any expectations about my life and relationship status? I think the holidays just make people want everyone to be happy…together. All the same, it really upset me. But I did get a Kindle.
I have to remind myself that not everyone is on the same timeline and there is no set schedule or blueprint that spells out when you start dating, when you “officially” move in together versus playing house, when you get engaged and when you set a date. But everyone sure seems to have an opinion and many will tell you exactly how they feel or how they think you should be. Oftentimes it’s completely unsolicited “advice” and ultimately, it is a lot of pressure on not only one person, but a relationship.
So while I am mature, independent woman who has been part of a relationship for only a little over two years - my longest ever - I recently do find myself crying a little when I hear about friends and family getting engaged. How did this happen? When did I become this person? Is it the pressure of others? Is it that my family is a bit messed up right now so even if there was something to celebrate there really wouldn’t be a way to celebrate it?
I don’t want to explain to my boyfriend why I am crying because I don’t want him to ever think I am passively attempting to put pressure on him. I am just a little sad. And the rational gal in me knows that expectations can just kill relationships.
I believe that while every woman is capable of enjoying the now we are still intrinsically planners at heart and we happen to be the ones with reproductive systems - that don’t last forever - so we want to believe that the concept of now can grow and develop and doesn’t equal stagnancy or a loss of time. This is what is sometimes tough about engagements happening at the same time as people are putting pressure on you and your relationship. I wish I could be stronger and more thick-skinned - and I don’t believe I am any bit alone in feeling this way - it just feels like everyone else is moving and growing and people are telling you that you in fact are not.
But ultimately you can’t let it get you down; I can’t let it get me down. Moping thru the day is not an option and it certainly is no way to live in any now as it does not permit any relationships to grow. So cry. Get it all out, but then put it away and call your friend who got a diamond for Christmas and tell her how happy you are for the news.
Don’t let the lady grabbing your ring finger get you down and don’t compare yourself to others. Some people take ten months to get engaged and turn around and set a date for seven months later. Others need more time be it to think of getting engaged or to even find the right mate in the first place. Give yourself permission to feel however you feel but don’t let it overrun you or your holidays and don’t be too hard on yourself.
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Tags: Elle Shapiro, Engagement Advice, How To Survive Wedding Season, Wedding Blog
